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@junejuly12

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

@Staggfilms

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

@shanethevein

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

@HatfieldAnne

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

@Iwriteforcats

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

@fishbowel

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

@jollyrobber

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

@JohnLyonTweets

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

@QwertyJones3

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

@KimmyMonte

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.