If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
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STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.