Velcrow
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I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
the prophecies have been fulfilled
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.