Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

This could be us but you eatin’

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane