Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.