velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
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Had an outline tattoo done on my shoulder and when my friends are sad I let them colour it in
Everyone needs a shoulder to crayon…
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
