Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent