velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
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Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
The devil.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.