Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now