Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

ㅤ

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

Simple enough.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

Pro tip for my good boys out there

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”