Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job