Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

Close call…

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu