Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Go girl power!
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Every. Damn. Time.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific