Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Do one thing every day that scares people.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
this is the news I live for
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears