Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
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My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
💯😂
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.