Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
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I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
me irl
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)