Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
You Might Also Like
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*