Venmo me $20 and I will comment “yikes” on an enemy’s Instagram picture of your choosing

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JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay


Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.


I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands


Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.


Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.


Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.


I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.


I’m outside Costco and only need a few things.
*one hour later*
I wonder if this piano will fit in my new helicopter.


Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.