@EmmBalls

Venmo me $20 and I will comment “yikes” on an enemy’s Instagram picture of your choosing

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@SortaBad

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

@TheAlexNevil

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

@Marlebean

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

@brendanmcginley

Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.

@heatherlou_

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

@gerryhatric

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

@PyrBliss

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

@sharpular

I’m outside Costco and only need a few things.
*one hour later*
I wonder if this piano will fit in my new helicopter.

@AristotlesNZ

Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.