Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
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Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
so much to do
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.