JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Venmo me $20 and I will comment “yikes” on an enemy’s Instagram picture of your choosing
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I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I’m outside Costco and only need a few things.
*one hour later*
I wonder if this piano will fit in my new helicopter.
Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.