Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

Golf would be better with landmines.

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.