Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
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Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
can you read it!!??
maan!
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
