Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

Harsh but fair

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.

That’s why… not cause he was right or anything

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.