Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

Meat Cute

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

😩😩😩

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman