venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
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My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.