Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
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Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.