Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

I’m never leaving this app.

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)