Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there