Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
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The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Good morning.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free