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Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”