Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay