Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

😂

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.