Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

I want what they have

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun