VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
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I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7