Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

🙀🙀🙀😹

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…