Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

“no gods no masters” = leo

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf