Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

what the

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”