Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.