Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Xylophonist Shredding It

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

he’s doing your taxes

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.