Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

I’m glutton sensitive. I overreact when people eat more than their fair share of pizza.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?