Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
You Might Also Like
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
My flabber has been gasted.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
They’re called werewolves.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog