Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Whoops

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness