Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
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ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
me at the job i begged god for
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Battery falling down a hole
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz