Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
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computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
shakira sharkira
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
this is funnier than any friends episode
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.