Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
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When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.