Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
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Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
THIS HEADLINE
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady