Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
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me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]