Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

emergency phone

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

Somebody’s lying.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.