Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
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In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Whisper out to librarians!
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
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D
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ʸ
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Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?