Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
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As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough