verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
You Might Also Like
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me: