Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
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I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
this isn’t threatening at all
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.