Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

this is how life feels

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.