Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
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Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.