Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
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If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.