Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
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A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you