Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.