Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.