Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
You Might Also Like
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle