Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
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I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
What the dentist sees
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.