Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
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The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho