VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
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Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
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This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.