Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

an airline just for babies.

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

Date: Are you winking or blinking?

Cyclops: I do not know.

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.