very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
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Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
This is a true ally.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.