“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
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Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
