“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
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spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
💀
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now