Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

Is this a threat?

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

Surely it must be just Zealand by now.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.