Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

ㅤ

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

Sing it!

Erm…

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks