very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
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You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.