very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
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Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.