VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
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Basically.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.