VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
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[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
When someone says you are so lazy
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most