VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”