VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
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Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.