Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude