Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!