very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
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went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Just had my nails done!
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote